*** Trigger warning: this post includes experiences of pregnancy, fetal loss and miscarriage first and second trimester***

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I waited… I waited to get pregnant, I waited to focus on my career, I waited to finish school…always something I was waiting on. All the while, I was thinking I wanted to make sure I met someone that I could picture spending the rest of my life with. So I waited…

Full disclosure, at one point I dated “safe”. I met guys that I knew couldn’t hurt me because I wasn’t fully invested in the relationship. I had my heart broken when I was young and from that point on, I made sure that the guys I dated could never hurt me. Which really just means, I wasn’t fully in love I guess and played it safe to protect my heart.

Until I met my hubby. I remember saying to my friends very early, “Uh-oh, the feelings I have for him are so strong. I know if this doesn’t work out I am going to be heart broken again.” I hadn’t felt that since I was young and my heart was broken so many years prior. I finally found someone that challenged me, that made me laugh, that completed me and made my heart beat faster every time I saw him. And to be fair, he still gives me all those feelings 4 years later.

I have always been great with kids, and loved being around them and everyone would always say, “When are you going to have kids?” but until meeting my hubby I never felt ready to have children of my own. I come from a broken home, ugh what an awful expression, and didn’t want to have children when I was younger because I wanted to make sure I was financially ready and that there was some longevity to my relationship. Although this is never set in stone, I knew based on previous relationships that I didn’t have the feelings needed to bring a child into this world. I had friends that wanted kids so bad it didn’t matter who they were with, their end game was children but I was the opposite. I didn’t need to have children, I wanted to have a companion. So I waited….

While I waited, I put everything I could into my career. I also decided in my late 20s to go back to school and I finished university with my BA. Then I met my hubby, and I just knew. He was ready to have kids right away, probably because he already had a son from a previous relationship who was 3 at the time and I would like to think he knew right away that our relationship was different. But, my planner mind needed more time. I couldn’t get pregnant right away without all of these rules I put in place for myself…live together for at least a year, get a promotion at work, etc.

So we waited…2 years…I got my IUD removed and bam! two months later we were pregnant…

And then I realized, no matter how much you plan and think we are ready, it is terrifying! Neither of us expected to get pregnant that quickly. I didn’t want to track ovulation or any of those things since we just started trying so we just figured, if it happens, it happens! Needless to say, I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was at 7 weeks.

We were both nervous and excited all at the same time! I decided to tell only two of my closest friends knowing I should wait until my 12 week appointment before announcing to other people. We told my mother in law together which was a great experience but the hubby told sooooo many people. I kept warning that we should wait but he was so excited! On the way to my 12 week appointment, I called my best friend and we started talking about a gender reveal party and I finally allowed myself to get excited until….the ultrasound tech couldn’t find a fetal heartbeat.

That was the longest hour of my life…I had never been to an ultrasound appointment before, having been my first pregnancy, and I didn’t know what to expect but I was just hoping to walk away with one of those tiny sonogram pictures! Of course, the tech isn’t allowed to say much but she kept asking me questions:

“Have you experienced any bleeding?”

“Did you have any pain?”

“Are you sure you are 12 weeks?”

I was getting more and more nervous. Because of Covid, my hubby wasn’t allowed to come along for the appointment, so I was alone. I tried to ask questions, but she just kept sighing and saying she was looking. At one point, I said, “Will I be able to have one of the sonogram photos to take home today?” And she replied, “If I have something to show you, you will.” That’s when my heart sank. The room and the tech were so unpersonable, and cold and I kept shaking and holding my breath which wasn’t helping matters. By the time I left, I knew but was still so confused. She said I would have to wait to hear from my doctor. I drove back to work in a daze. I didn’t call my hubby or my friend, I just drove. To be honest, I don’t even know if I should have drove because I remember nothing. Just completely numb…

Hubby called later and asked for an update…I said I didn’t to talk about it and I would call later. He persisted, of course, it wasn’t fair for me to keep that info from him but I didn’t have confirmation from the doctor and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions before I knew. Needless to say, the doctor confirmed there was no fetal heartbeat and I had the option to miscarry naturally or with meds. I chose naturally. 3 days later, it happened…and wow! No one prepares you for that, not even my doctor!

I was walking into my work for the day and I felt a wetness. I thought “oh I think I might have started bleeding”. Within 5 minutes, I was in the bathroom and I had bled through my jeans all the way down to mid thigh. I couldn’t believe it…I called a work friend and just said I started my period and wasn’t prepared (no period of mine has ever been this bad!) and she brought me a shirt to tie around my waist. I quickly scurried to my car and drove back home to shower and change and went back to work…I know bad idea but this is how committed I am to my work life, sometimes over my own health! *toxic trait*

Later that day and the next I bled through my pants again….I continued to bleed for 8 weeks. In between, they gave me misprostol after 2 weeks of excessive bleeding, thinking the miscarriage wasn’t complete. I was sent for two ultrasounds, which determined that I had fibroids I wasn’t aware of and a sonohysterogram to determine the size of the fibroids. Eventually, I was sent for a D&C at the hospital as the miscarriage was incomplete. I only bled for a week after that and finally, got my period right on schedule the following month. What a relief!

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We decided we would wait a few months before officially trying again. Although we weren’t “not” trying…AND LOW AND BEHOLD! Got pregnant the first time, which was a huge surprise! Turns out it was destined to be a Christmas baby. This time my doctor sent me for an ultrasound earlier, at 8weeks because of the first miscarriage to make sure everything was good, but gosh that was stressful. Luckily the tech gave me good news and was so amazing! I went for another again at 10, 12 and 14 weeks. Everything was going great! At 12 weeks I started to tell my family and friends (we didn’t want to make the same mistake as last, we didn’t tell ANYONE before 12weeks). At 16 weeks, I finally told my work. Mainly because I was so uncomfortable trying to conceal my belly…but if I could have waited longer I would have. When you have fibroids outside of your uterus, especially since mine are 8-10cms in diameter, they make you show 4 weeks ahead of where you are, so at 16 weeks I was showing like I was 20 weeks along.

The worry never goes away though. At my first ultrasound at 8 weeks, I held my breath. Preparing for the worst I guess… and then I thought once I started telling people, the worry would dissipate because it was more the secret I was keeping that was giving me anxiety, but I was wrong. Even at 16 weeks, I didn’t want to tell my work because I was still worried! But I finally gave in, everyone was over joyed, including myself, through the anxiety!

Then, one week later, I woke at 4am which was routine, to pee, and as I stood outside the bathroom door, I felt a gush of liquid, and to be honest, I felt like I heard a pop, but maybe I felt it inside me more than actually hearing it…I thought when I looked down I was going to see blood. But it was clear…I was as if I peed my pants. Soooo many thoughts were going through my head…

“Did I just pee my pants?” I remember listening to a podcast, that was debunking pregnancy expectations I guess, and they mentioned that labour wasn’t like it is on tv. When you normally see a pregnant woman’s water break and they rush to the hospital. They mentioned that most women don’t even have their water break naturally. So I kept thinking, that can’t be my water, I’m only 17 weeks. So I sat on the toilet and still had to pee which was odd if I just peed my pants… I called Telehealth. They were no help, and said someone would call me within 48 hours…ummm sorry but I’m not waiting that long. I put on a pad and tried to go back to sleep and figured I would call my doctor in the morning.

I didn’t have any pain, so I figured I’d wait. By the time my hubby woke up I was a mess…probably from lack of sleep and my brain running wild for 2 hours! He said I was probably overthinking it and that your body doesn’t some crazy things when you’re pregnant…I thought, he’s right, I am probably in my head too much. So I started to get ready for work. I had a shower, got dressed, did my makeup, but for some reason everything was taking MUCH longer for me to do and I was already late for work. I called two of my friends, one who had been pregnant twice and both of them said to talk to my doctor but it was probably nothing, they were also convinced I peed my pants. But I kept saying, I didn’t get that sensation of peeing my pants, so I wasn’t convinced.

I finally got to work, an hour and a half late, and within the hour my doctor called and said I should go to the hospital. I knew it wasn’t good. I called my mom on the way and had a complete meltdown. I tried to stay positive at the hospital but considering it was Covid times and how quickly they rushed me through I knew that the outcome wasn’t going to be good. They did bloodwork, sent me for an ultrasound at which the tech was even more vague than at the last ultrasound. Again… I knew it wasn’t good. She called for an escort with a wheelchair to bring me back to emerge and I thought it was so odd. I was feeling ok so why did I all of a sudden need a wheelchair, I just thought it was protocol. UNTIL, I said I needed to use the washroom and the escort asked if I was able to walk, I said yes and she laughed and said why did they send you in a wheelchair, I said I didn’t know. But I did, deep down I knew it must be bad.

I laid on a gurney in the middle of the hallway, wearing a mask and cried. I didn’t even have any results and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. My hubby called and I told him I was just waiting and cried more. He asked what was wrong and I said I just know something isn’t right. Shortly after the emerge doctor came and said thought fatal words, “Amber, I am so sorry”. I tried to compose myself while he went through the details but it was like a tap was turned on and I couldn’t turn it off. He explained that my cervix had opened and it was in fact my water that broke at 4am. The baby’s legs were hanging through my cervix already (the reason for the wheelchair) and that I would need to labour the rest of the way.

A doctor and nurse came from the Labour and Delivery or how they referred to it the rest of the time the Gyne floor (probably better that they didn’t call it the L&D floor to help disassociate from what was happening). Within an hour, I was in a room and my hubby was there and they gave me an intravenous of Oxytocin to help bring on labour and contractions.

I had the sensation of a bowel movement and then the baby came out while I was on the toilet. The nurses were amazing but I was a wreck, they asked me to walk over to the bed to continue to delivery. At 7:10pm I delivered the baby, they asked if I wanted to see it but I think it would have been too difficult. Even 3 months later, writing this, those few hours are the hardest to remember. I couldn’t imagine if I would have seen the baby how much more difficult the healing process would be. I was in the hospital for another day to try to labour the placenta. They had kept me on the Oxytocin in hopes it would happen naturally. They ended up having to do another D&C to get the placenta since it didn’t happen on its own.

When I was sitting at home after the procedure and birth there was the Monarch butterfly that always reminds me of my late grandmother (Nanny) and it would fly past our big bay window every day for the first week, and I just remember thinking it was a sign.

I wish there was a way to know in advance that this is something I would have to go through and what the steps were. I wish I knew that when I got the sensation that I had to pee without really having to pee, that was my cervix opening. If we would have caught it a day in advance they could have put a suture to keep my cervix closed and prevent my water from breaking. All in all, I guess we have to assume that it wasn’t meant to be. That’s really the only reasonable thought that gets me through. The prognosis is that my fibroids are not in the uterine cavity so they would not affect the pregnancy and that I have an incompetent cervix so if I was to get pregnant in the future they would have to suture my cervix between 10-12 weeks and remove it towards the end of the pregnancy.

All I can say, is I put my career first and waited for everything to be “right” in my life, finances, etc and things don’t always go as planned. So put yourself first AND your health AND your family. I took a leave after the birth for 10 weeks and there was so much guilt leaving work and how many things I had on the go but I knew I needed to take time to heal. I wasn’t going to be any good at work but it was hard at first and I finally have realized that I need to take the time for myself more often.

That butterfly has followed me around for the last few months, (I’m sure its a different one every time) crossing through an intersection as I drive, outside the window while I grab a coffee or just floating outside my bay window at home enjoying the flowers. And I think it has to be a sign from my Nanny or the baby letting me know that everything will be ok in the end!

Amber xo